Hayley's Journal Read online

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  The doctor said she shouldn’t have been working in the fields so soon after having Moses ‘cause she wasn’t healed “up there” yet. Miss Simpson just cried and cried. I didn’t cry cause Mama said I needed to be a big girl now and I had three little ones to look after. Big girls don’t cry, Papa had told me when I got bucked off Sally. Papa didn’t come home for Mama’s funeral.

  We girls wore dresses that Mama had made us out of some lilac broadcloth that had shown up on our porch one morning. Mama said it was a gift from our guardian angel and not from charity. So that was OK.

  Miss Simpson helped us dig the hold in the ground. We chose a spot just behind the cherry tree ‘cause Mama always liked to sit and read to us under that tree. She said it was her little piece of heaven here on earth. Mama was in heaven now, with her Mama and Papa. Miss Simpson read some scripture from the Bible and we and Mama’s favorite hymn, “Old Rugged Cross”. We put the dirt back on top of her and Lucy put some daisies on the mount that covered our mother. Mary Lou put the cross in the ground. We would never forget the spot that kept our dear Mama’s remains. Moses just sucked on his bottle that I had filled with Bessie’s warm milk. It wasn’t the same as Mama’s, but the baby was hungry enough to eat a horse, Miss Sampson said, I didn’t think that was a funny joke.

  Miss Simpson said she would stay with us for tonight but she couldn’t stay any longer than that. “You see, Haley, I am going to get married in a few days and move to Windsor. I will be teaching there next year.” Miss Simpson said as she put bands through my silky red hair. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. First Papa, then Mama and now Miss Simpson. But I would never cry. Miss Simpson asked when Papa would be back from his long trip. “I would do anything to stay with you until your father comes home, really I would Haley.”

  “Papa said he would be home on the 25th.” I lied. I was going to hell. We would be here alone until then. “I know everything there is to know about responsibilities around the house and taking care of the children.” That was just what Miss Simpson was afraid of, I could see it in her sad eyes. I was forced to grow up overnight, but I was still a little girl, only twelve years old. That night Miss Simpson slept in the bed with me and my sisters. She said she couldn’t sleep in Mama’s bed ‘cause it just wasn’t right. It felt nice sleeping beside her. Once I had a nightmare and Mama had climbed in bed with me. She felt safe and warm. Just like Miss Simpson, but mama died and Miss Simpson was only her for two more days.

  The next morning Miss Simpson said she had to go to the store ‘cause there was nothing in the house to eat. “But I have no money, Miss Simpson, Papa blew all the money on liquor.” I told her exactly what Mama had said. “Oh my dear,” Miss Simpson gasped as she put her hand over her mouth. She paused for a minute. “I have some money I tucked away. I’ll only be gone a couple of hours.” Miss Simpson really was a dear soul. Mama would never accept charity but Mama wasn’t here now and I had to think about my little sisters and I knew they were hungrier than I was. I helped Miss Simpson harness up the horses and wagon and watched her ride of until I couldn’t see her anymore.

  I got Lucy and Mary Lou out of bed ‘cause it was time for them to get up to start chores. There was no time to mourn. “Where’s Mama?” Lucy cried. “I want Mama!” Then Mary Lou started to cry too. And Moses work up and he cried. But I didn’t. They cried and cried until Miss Simpson got back from the store three hours later. She held Lucy and Mary Lou on her lap and rocked them just like Mama used to do. “Your Mama’s gone to heaven. She’s with Jesus now.” Miss Simpson told the girls.

  “How long is she staying with Jesus?” Mary Lou asked. “I want her to come home today.”

  “When you go to heaven ‘ya don’t come back stupid Mary Lou.” I answered before Miss Simpson could offer her explanation.

  “I’m not stupid and she is coming back.” Mary Lou insisted. Lucille was tearing up again too.

  "NO, she’s not. You won’t see her again until you die. And you’d better be good or you will go to hell and then you’ll never see Mama again!” I slammed my fist on the table, just like Papa used to do.

  “I know it’s hard for you to understand, Lucille and Mary Lou, but Haley is right.” Miss Simpson said as she glanced at me quickly. Now, let’s see what I bought at the store.” Miss Simpson brought in boxes and boxes of food. She must have had a lot of money tucked away. There were beans, molasses, flour, yeast, salt cod, sugar and some food in cans too. Best of all there were three candy sticks for me and my sisters. It was just like what I had imagined Christmas would be like.

  “Where did you get all the money to pay for this?” I asked, speaking with my mouth full of porridge. “Well,” Miss Simpson said, “my fiancé has a good job in Windsor and he sends me money every week.” I thought is must be nice to have someone send you money every week for no reason. I just couldn’t imagine having the cupboards full all the time.

  That night was the first time I prayed for Papa to come home. It wasn’t that I missed him really, but for the first time I was scared. I asked God to bring Papa home to us. God didn’t answer.

  The next morning I awoke to hear Miss Simpson talking ever so quietly to a gentleman in our kitchen. “Thank you for coming, Mr. MacPhee. I appreciate you making the long trip from Windsor.” Miss Simpson was making him coffee. I could smell the dark aroma.

  “So the mother passed away and the father, ah, disappeared?” the man asked. “Yes, that’s right. The oldest daughter, Haley told me he went on a long trip and he would be back on the 25th, but I don’t believe her. She was a mean drunk and I think he up and left his family to fend for themselves.” Miss Simpson told the man exactly what she thought was true. Maybe it was.

  “Do you have any proof of this, Miss Simpson?” Mr. MacPhee asked. “I cannot take these children from their homes and place them in foster care if perhaps their father has indeed gone on ‘A Trip’. That would be a serious misdemeanor on my part and I could lose my job.”

  Miss Simpson sighed. “I see. Well Mr. MacPhee, what do we do in the meantime? These children cannot stay on their own. The baby is a week old. They have no one else but me and I am moving to Windsor to get married. I should have been there today making arrangements.”

  Mr. MacPhee stood up from the table and pushed in his chair. “I will be back to check on them in one week. If their father has not returned by that time, I will take action and place them in foster homes.”

  Miss Simpson’s voice was trembling. “But I cannot stay here for another week Mr. MacPhee. I don’t think you heard me the first time.”

  The man spoke firmly. “I don’t think you heard me the first time. There is no proof that Mr. Clark has indeed deserted his family. Good day, Miss Simpson.” The man left our house and I heard him driving away in his car. He must have been rich.

  Miss Simpson sat at the table and started sobbing. I came out of my room and put my arms on her shoulders. “Now, now, Miss Simpson. Don’t you worry about us. Papa will be home on the 25th. Until then, I can look after the girls and Moses just fine. We have lots of food in the cupboards and I can even make bread. Mama showed me how.”

  “Oh Haley, You are such a little woman. I wish I could take you all with me.”

  That would be wonderful I thought.

  “You heard what that man said. ‘That would be a serious misdemeanor.’ Papa will be home soon. Now you pack your bag and get on your way to Windsor. Your fiancé is waiting for you.” Miss Simpson was sobbing harder now. She ran into my bedroom and kissed Lucy, Mary Lou and baby Moses. She grabbed her bag, gave me a big hug and ran out to the door.

  “I love you Haley.” And she was gone. So be it.

  I stopped to pray for Papa to come home. It wasn’t that I missed him really. I asked God to bring him back this minute, but God didn
’t answer. I didn’t want us to go to foster homes. If Papa were here by next week, Mr. MacPhee would have no reason to take us away.

  Now it was time to change and feed Moses, get breakfast, carry water, do some laundry, cut the hay and comb the girls’ hair. Mama always liked Lucy’s blond curls in ringlets. Mary Lou had straight red hair like mine so I would braid it. I would really like to play with my baby doll Sarah cause I hadn’t played with her since days and days. She would be getting lonely. But there would be no time for that today, so I put Sarah in the box beside Moses, they would keep each other company.

  The sun was especially hot today. Lucy and Mary Lou complained about it the entire time they were carrying the water from the well. “Be thankful you don’t have to walk up hill both ways,” I told them, “like Papa used to have to do when he went to school.” School. That would be a challenge. Papa had better come home soon because some one would need to watch Moses and I don’t think they would allow me to take him to school with me. I looked at the calendar Mama had tacked on the wall. The month was July. Moses was born on the 10th. Mama had gone to heaven on the 17th. Today was the 20th. I told Miss Simpson that Papa would be home on the 25th. Five more days till Mr. MacPhee would come to see if Papa was back from his trip.

  My hands had blisters as big as Mama’s had been that day. But the hay was cut now and lay in the field to dry. There was still no rain, but I felt it in the air. That’s what Mama must have felt. The horses were hot and sweaty. I led them to the book that ran behind the barn. It had been a hot, dry summer so far, so water barely covered the pebbles, but it was more than enough for Sally and Sammy to quench their thirst. I checked my picket watch and it was now one o’clock. Time to get lunch for the girls and check to make sure they were taking good care of Moses and my baby doll, Sarah. Moses was fast asleep in his box, shaded on the porch. Lucy and Mary Lou were playing quietly, chatting away to each other and their dolls. They were so involved with their play they didn’t even notice me walk by them. I remember those days, when we would pretend we were three Mamas’ and taking our babies on a shopping trip to Windsor by train. Since I was the oldest, I always go tot make up the story. Sometimes we would play for hours on that porch, usually until Mama called us to wash our hands for lunch or until Papa let out a bellow to help him hoe the garden or something. Things had certainly changed for us Clarke children, but I was bound and determined I would not let Mr. McPhee take us. I would have to think long and hard on that one cause it seemed that God wasn’t going to help. There were still lots of chores to do today. No more time for Lucy and Mary Lou to play with their baby dolls, and MY doll. It wasn’t fair.

  I made strawberry jam sandwiches for lunch. They were very tasty, I must say. Mama had made good jam. The bread was a bit stale but I would get up early tomorrow morning and make a fresh batch. Mama had shown me how. That afternoon we worked in the garden. We took our dolls and Moses with us and shaded them under the cherry tree. Lucy and Mary Lou spent more time chatting than they did pulling weeds. A few times I had to act like Papa and yell their names to get back to work. He would say “If you want to eat this winter, then pick up a hoe.” That threat always scared us ‘cause we could remember having hunger pains a few time last winter cause Papa said we didn’t work hard enough. Except I remember one day last winter there had been a big snow storm. The snow had piled up as high as the window and the wind was whistling in the windows. Papa was in a good mood that day. The house was toasty warm and there was lots of firewood in the wood box. Mama was humming “The Old Rugged Cross” as she kneaded he mound of dough over and over again. Papa had caught two rabbits in his snares the day before last, and that meant we would be having rabbit pie for supper that night. He was very proud of his catch. A meal meant for Royalty I thought. Mama’s freshly made break and scrumptious rabbit pie. We spent that entire day sitting around the table playing dominoes, laughing and having a grand old time. Papa even got out his fiddle and played us a couple of tunes for us to dance around the room. The anticipation of that night’s supper was more than us girls could handle, but Mama insisted we have one more game of dominoes before it was ready to eat. When we finally sat down to the meal, we ate until our bellies felt as big as Mama’s looked. She had a baby in her belly and we lots and lots of food. That night, Papa lit the oil lamps and Mama read to us from the Bible until we nodded off to sleep. That had been a wonderful day. The five of us. Before Moses. Before Papa had left on his trip. Before Mama went to heaven.